Saturday, March 26, 2005

I've had enough, I'm going fishing

I've had enough. I'm going fishing. Back to my old life, to the life I lived before I met Jesus. My heart aches to see him again, but I'm haunted by the look in his eyes when I said, "No, I don't know him." that last time.

If I could forget the past week, I'd pay every last shekel I have. But how can I undo what's been done? He told me I would deny him not once, not twice, but three times. And I did.

Fear and failure. That's me - Peter. I must be crazy. At first I was ready to die with him, but when the trial came, I denied him. Full of fear. Empty of courage.

My friend, my friend... I've dined with him, talked with him, laughed with him. He was there for me when my family was ill, and that time I was so angry with my wife. "Love her, Peter," he said. "Love her."

"Ahh, my friend, my Lord! I denied you." It wasn't supposed to be like this - death and denial, but victory and glory. You, my Lord, establishing Your Kingdom. Now what do we do? They killed you. Practically beat you... to... death.

Where was I? Where was I! Weeping over my own failure. I couldn't even pull myself together to be with you when they were nailing you to that tree! John said you gazed at him and spoke. He was with you. But I, Peter, was weeping over my own weakness.

Ahh! What kind of friend am I? What kind of man am I? I didn't take the 30 pieces of silver like Judas, but I betrayed you just the same. I'm no better.

Can a man live after such betrayal? Yes, I've had enough. It's over. I'm going fishing. There must be comfort some where in what was, in what I used to know. Before I knew him.

"Who's with me?" I asked. "Let's move on, our friend is gone. Our kingdom, ended." James and John, Nathanael and Thomas grabbed the nets. "We'll go with you."

We're lost without him. Men, fumbling, searching for meaning. In light of him, his life, his love, the wonders he performed, all else pales.

About midday, our nets were still empty. We labored in vain. Then a man called to us from the shore, "Friends.... cast your net on the other side."

John gripped my arm. "It's the Lord."

I pulled on my shirt and dove into the water. I must see him. I'm not standing in this boat, in the old life, when he's there on the shore, alive! My friend, my friend. Funny, he saw me already, at my worst when I denied him. But I had to put on my shirt.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

My hand shook and my skin felt hot and prickly. "Lord, you know I do."

Twice more he asked. Twice more I answered. Then something broke in me. Three times I denied him. Three times I declared my love for him. I do love him. He knows I love him. Love conquers all, isn't it true?

"Be a fisher of men," he said.

Whatever you need, Lord, whatever you need. I'm undone. Ruined.

I've had enough. I'm going fishing.

4 comments:

Heather Diane Tipton said...

Oooooh that is good, Rachel!

Lynette Sowell said...

God is the God of do-overs! :)
~~Lynette

Paula said...

Wonderful post. I think that is sort-of how I felt this week--so mad at myself for lashing out at God when He didn't meet my expectations, tempted to cash it in and give up on my passions and callings. But He took it all and just loved me through. He's so good. BTW, this blog is so well written!

#3 of FIVE said...

Hey, this one is good Rachel. I don't think there is a Christian alive who could not relate to Peter in some way shape or form. We know we've let Him down and dispite that fact, He still shows His love."Thank you Lord" He does!!