Then twenty-five... What is going on? I exercise. I watch emotional eating. But some days the struggle of writing drives me to the fridge.
Sandwiches and chips are my favorite meal. Finally, when I hit the "What?! No way!" weight, I decided to do something about it.
I lost weight on Weight Watchers before, but counting points wasn't working for me this time. I'd do fine for breakfast, falter through lunch and by dinner I gave up, unsure of how many points I'd eaten.
This summer I started the P90x workout. It was such a hard routine I thought, "If I'm going to work myself this hard, I'd best change my eating."
So, it's been a summer of changing up routines. I loved the quiet of shutting down blogging and social media. It's still hard to get back into it. While I love the cyber conversations, I discovered I loved treasuring myself. Social media can be a rude friend. We put ourselves out there -- "Guess what I'm doing?" and the world doesn't answer. "What am I, wood?"
Last night hubby and I talked with a friend about our country's current political, social, and spiritual climate. Less you deceive yourself that these are three separate entities, let me encourage you otherwise. They are very much related. There is no such thing as separation of church and state. They influence each other.
As we talked, this phrase came out as part of the conversation: "Get your soul in to subjection."
It pinned me to my chair. While not directed at me, I heard what the Spirit was saying.
"Rachel, you have a fat soul."
I've spent some of summer improving my physical condition. Some of the summer improving my spiritual condition. But if they were to be weighed and balanced, the physical would out weight the spiritual.
My heart sank. I've committed the grievous sins of the Pharisees. Caring more about the outside than the inside.
I saw my soul expand beyond my physical borders. I thought I was submitted and committed to the narrow walk with Jesus. But in that moment, I knew I was way more committed to my own wants, desires, comfort, needs and satisfaction than His will.
My soul was far from true subjection. I tell myself if God wants to take it all away, I'm fine with His choice. I want to live submitted to His Lordship. But last night, I knew I wasn't fine. Especially when it comes to the larger picture of my nation and my very way of life.
Hubby was so stirred, he had to escape to pray for a while.
We, as weak humans, are so navel gazing. So worried about our own souls we lose sight of the Main Thing. This is Jesus's world, and He's coming again to rule and reign. He is king! The Father's plan for Jesus will be accomplished and He'll do whatever He needs so the world comes to the knowledge of the truth.
If it comes down to Rachel Hauck living in peace and safety verses the reality of the Kingdom coming on earth like it is in heaven, the latter wins.
It's not that I think God chooses bad for me. No, not at all. He loves me! But He chooses to position me so that NOTHING has first affection and first place in my heart but the return and glorification of His son.
Jesus's return to take His rightful place is preeminent in the Father's heart. Jesus's obedience supersedes any thing I've every done. His return is the plan of heaven since the foundations of the earth.
Take that soul.
Remember when Jesus told His disciples He was going to be killed. Peter said, "No Lord, may it never be." Jesus rebuked him. Call him Satan. Why? Because Peter's mind was on his own heart, not the will of the Father.
Jesus death and resurrection defeated death and hell. One evil night for a glorious reward.
I am Peter in some ways. "No Lord." But my rebuke is the same as Peter's. "Your mind is not on the will of the Father."
And He's be right.
What can I do? What's the Nutrisystem for my fat soul? David wrote, "I humbled my soul with fasting." Paul admonished us to forget what lies behind and press forward to what lies ahead.
Time to fix my heart's gaze on Him. "Not to us, O Lord, but to YOUR name give glory."
Not to us... not to us.