Happy 19th Anniversary to my Hubby!

Hubby and I married 19 years ago today after four years of friendship-oddship.

When we met, we were 27. Ready to settle down, tired of the Christian AND non Christian dating scene.

I travelled around the country and world training newspaper editors and reporters, and classified advertising reps how to use my company's computers for daily production.

He was the youth and singles pastor, full time staff at the church I'd recently started to attend.

He'd been a Christian for about 4 years. I'd been following Jesus for 20! With a brief time out for college shenanigans.

When I moved to Melbourne, FL, I wanted nothing but to pay off school loans and get 100% in love with Jesus. I prayed a prayer that changed my life, set me on a difficult but glorious journey. I know that I know He is Lord.

Hubby was working out his young salvation with fear, trembling and wisdom. When we met, we actually intimidated each other a bit. He was a pastor who heard God. I was the daughter of a pastor, long time saved, and could also hear God.

Our initial attraction was interesting. He was more interested in me. I was dubious. He had a beard. Yet, I was interested. Then God flipped the tables on us. Literally.

He spoke to me one Sunday afternoon. "He's your husband." ARG! There's no way I wanted to "hear" the cute single singles pastor was my husband. Just line me up with the looney ladies.

But the Lord spoke to me over and over. Confirmed it in many ways.

Meanwhile... He told Husband. "Be her friend." Or "You're just going to be friends." Either way, a budding romance went kapoot, fast.

He thought we were only to be friends. I kept feeling, hearing, wondering if we weren't going to be married!

We confessed our thoughts. But we respected each other enough to wonder who was really hearing. Or what kind of creative answer God was going to give us.

Hubby would say, "We think it has to be A or B, but I bet God has a C answer somewhere."

Really? Like what? I never doubt God's ability to go outside our human boxes, but I couldn't see an alternative to "You're going to marry him." I mean, either we were going to get married or not!

What? In fifty years after his first wife dies? I mean, what other answers were there?

Interesting, hubby's initial attraction to me "romantically" vanished when the Lord told him we were to be friends.

So, that's all we were for three years.Friends. Best friends.

Then through a series of events, very colorful and interesting events, hubby began to ask the Lord if I was the one he was going to marry. All the while, he still had no feelings for me other than friendship.

More interesting and fun events transpired and one day, on a day God spoke to Hubby four months in advance, he saw me walking across a parking lot and all the feelings he needed to fall in love exploded in his heart.

Whoa! For me, I had to ask, "Who is this man?" Wow!

Friend to lover in 0 - 60 seconds.

We were married six months later. Today. March 21, 1992.

I am so very blessed and honored to be his wife, to know, respect and love this man, to serve him and the Lord's people with him. He's my friend, my confidant, my cheerleader and supporter.

When I graduated from college, I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what to do with my life. I know I'll only be satisfied and content if I'm doing what you want. I know I'll pick the wrong man to marry. I don't know who to pick. Only You know. Choose for me."

God is so good! God does good things for those who love Him. Not always are they simple or easy things. My journey through fear and anxiety was horrendous, but oh, the love of the Lord carried me through. I know Him in a way I'd never have known without those scary times.

Yay God! Thank you for my husband! Thank you for 19 great years. So peaceful and easy.

JOY!

All for the Love of Jesus

There's a great post over on @stickyjesus today about living out the love of Christ online. Isn't this a great battle for us "off line" too?

As a writer, I struggle to keep a balance between my real life, my online life, and the "life" of me that comes out on the pages of my novels. I have to speak for the characters and the journey they are enduring instead of the "message" resonating in my heart at the time of my writing.

In The Sweet By and By Sara and I tackled abortion as part of Jade's story. Jade was wounded by her decision, plagued with guilt and shame, fear and anxiety. In researching, I read stories of women reacting to their abortions after the fact on abortion.org. Most of them suffered the way Jade suffered in the book.

But Jade's mother, Beryl, felt it was Jade's only option. Another characteristic I read about on abortion.org. As I wrote, I had to argue each case effectively according to the voice and "mind" of the character despite my own conviction that abortion is not a viable option to unwanted pregnancy and there are many other choices.

Yet I wanted to show there is no condemnation for those who may have made the choice, that Jesus is there to love, deliver and forgive.

Because more than writing for my publisher, the reader or myself, I write for Jesus. My prayer is always, "Lord, if my characters are found in me, and I'm found in You, then my characters are found in You. What do You want to say?"

Jesus is the best story teller. Don't you love how He launches into a story in the Gospels. The disciples are like, "Hey, what does that mean, Jesus?" And He answers, "A King threw a wedding feast for His Son..."

My husband and I are watching the television show Numb3rs on DVD and one of the tools the writers use to explain the math theories and principles is story. Charlie, the math genius, will come up with a way to mathematically solve a crime and he explains it to the FBI agents by using real life, every day, ordinary scenarios.

Story! It gives us a picture of the unseen, the abstract, the complex. And isn't that what Jesus is? The Uncreated God becoming man, becoming a part of His own creation so that He could SHOW us who He is and demonstrate His amazing, unsearchable love for us.

What God appeases Himself with His own sacrifice. Bridges the gap between man and God by becoming man, not requiring man to become God? The one true God. He is love.

When you find yourself in tense, stressful, hurtful situations, meditate on His love. Ask Him to kiss your heart with His love so you can be like Him and respond in love.

Is there a situation where you've responded in love because you understood His love for you? (Later, I'll blog about justice!)

Tomorrow, we start a contests for Dining with Joy!

How do I love Thee

Sunday during the service, I was privileged to be among the congregation and not up stage leading worship.

All I could sense in my heart and mind, "Jesus, I don't love you enough. How can I love you more?" I cut these lines from the stanza of Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

It may just be that we cannot know the width, length, height and depth of His love in this life. Paul writes we "see through a glass dimly." We don't have the fullness of God's love and beauty. Not in this life. But in the next. . . but in the next.

I want to love Him more. But I'm weak. I'm selfish and concerned about my fleshly comforts. I'm easily distracted and interrupted. I wish I could turn my chest inside out and just. . . "HERE! Take it all!"

In my mind's eye, I'm a fierce warrioress. I'm quick, swift, and agile. I'm ready at any moment to run at the Lord's command. Like, yeah, you don't want to mess with me! :) But in reality, I'm a frumpy house frau with visions of spiritual heights. I'm Achilles in Troy. (Not the naked Brad Pitt version, but you know what I mean.) But it takes spiritual discipline and training to get there. My emotions and affections must be changed.

Love is the change agent. Understanding His love for me. And loving Him more, and more. There is no limit to His willingness for us to love Him more. And there is no force more powerful than a loved woman!

I want to be vigilant, even violent in my soul for Him. Warring against my own flesh and sin to be so single focused on Him. I don't want religion or platitudes. I want Jesus. Religion gets in the way. Platitudes make us feel holy when in fact we are not.

The depths of love

I posted before on owing no one anything except love. Paul wrote to the Roman church, "don't run up huge debts, except the huge debt of love you owe each other."

Lately I've been meditating on true, real, heart issued love. Loving when we're wronged, when we're cheated or over looked. Keeping our mouths shut when we have a right to say, "I told you so."

I want to love like Jesus loved. When He was chained to a poll or stone and whipped, He said, "Father forgive them." As they nailed Him to the Cross, He endured.

Love is patient and kind. Keeps no record of wrong. Endures. Does not seek it's own, it not arrogant.

Can I say I love in this manner? No. But more and more my heart yearns to love with all sincerity. I find comfort in the back row, being forgotten, over looked.

Yet, here's where love can crash into the ditch. I've seen it in many true believers who desire to exemplify Jesus. They embrace sin.

Loving like Jesus doesn't require us to embrace sin. It actually challenges us to speak out against sin. How can a man or woman turn from their "wicked ways" if we don't point the way to Jesus and the Cross?

If loving my fellow man means I look like the world instead of heaven, then I can't love. But I'm convinced loving my fellow man demands I look like and act like heaven.

For me, it means I don't grumble or complain. I don't compare myself and wonder why this person is getting that thing instead of me. It means I give of myself without demand or expectation of return.

It requires prayer and devotion to the Word in order for my heart to be changed. Love is not about others changing, but me becoming conformed to the image of Christ.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds," Paul wrote to the Romans.

Loving like Jesus transforms. I'm convinced of it. In '09, I want to love. To walk in humility. I'm confident He loves me, has good in store for me. I don't need to elbow my way into the future.

What about you? Can you think of areas of your heart and mind love can transform? Are you waiting for someone else to change? Really, your prayer should be, "change me, Father."

Let's take the journey of love in '09. Real love. Study 1 Corinthians 13.

Dignity in Death

Allison Wilson and I drove up to Kristy Dykes funeral yesterday. It's always good to spend time with Allison, but we were both looking forward to Kristy's home going ceremony.

Unfortunately, we arrived late due to the keen-o feature of her husband's Porsch-a 911. Automatically lock the doors if the key is not in the ignition. The fact that the keys were in the driver's seat made no difference. Yes, we were locked out of the car sixty-three miles south of Jacksonville.

Nevertheless, the part of the ceremony we did participate in was so sweet, and infused with the presence of God. I teared up many times. Not so much of missing Kristy, although that is part of it, but because the Spirit of God, the Love of God permeated the room.

For about a minute, I physically felt jealous of Kristy. She's with Jesus!!

For me, and I'm sure many of the hundreds at the service, and those who witnessed her life and death on the blog, she reminded me of the way I want to live. In doing so, reminded me of the way I want to die. With dignity, with the love I have for Jesus infecting thousands.

How am I spending my time? What am I doing with my money and my words? How am I loving people? At the end of my life, those things are the only things that really matter.

You know how I'm convinced Kristy knew and loved the God-Man Jesus? Because in her dying, in her weak-conscious moments she worshipped Him, she radiated His love, she knew and experience His grace and peace.

The most impactful moment for me was when Milton told Kristy right before she died, "You won, Kristy, you won!"

Every time I hear or read those words, I cry. But it's deeper than what Milton proclaimed over Kristy. It's what Jesus is proclaiming over us, His Bride.

In out dying, beloved, we win! Die to self, you win. Die for Jesus, figuratively or literally, you win!!

"I run the race in order to win the prize."

Hearing God, Part II

The other day I blogged about how to hear God. The main point I made was that we have to believe He speaks to us.

Second we have to have faith and believe He's who He says He is. The Bible is the one true place to discover God's character. Hebrews 4:12 tells us the Word is living and active, sharp! John 1 tells us Jesus is the Word of God made flesh.

Peter tell us it's inspired by the Holy Spirit, men being a mere conduit.

So, to hear God we have to have faith, believe He is a God of truth.

Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."

Hearing God just means believe He is a rewarder. He wants to speak.

I John 4:8b tells us, "God is love."

How then would a loving God not want to share with us? Does He have to submit to our demands? No. Does He have to tell us everything. Absolutely not. We couldn't handle it. But we must believe when we go to Him with request, petitions, cares and concerns, He is listening. He will respond.

The Bette Midler song advocates God watching from a distance. But He's not beloved. He's right in us. He can't be any closer.

Colossians 1:27, "... Christ in us, the hope of Glory."

Now, you have to believe in Him, believe in Jesus, the Way, the Truth, the Life, but God gave us His Spirit.

Paul wrote, "it's the mystery of the ages."

Therefore, God must want to fellowship with us.

Luke 11 is my favorite verse on hearing God.

In the first part, Jesus speaks. "Hey, if you ask of God, He'll give to you. You're evil people and when your son asks for bread, you don't give him a stone, do you? No, neither will your Father in Heaven. He's good. Perfect. Kind and loving. In fact," Jesus says, "ask, seek, knock. You'll find, see and the door will be open."

Our problem is endurance. Patience. Learning to hear the voice of our Beloved.

Jesus says, "My sheep hear my voice." Therefore we know it's possible to hear God.

Tomorrow or Monday, ways to learn to hear and testimonies!

Her name is La-la-la-Lola

Our found dog's owner called today. She described her perfectly and when I repeated her name, "Lola," the little Schnauzer perked up.

So, my Fifi is a Lola.

The owner said she'd be by in the afternoon to pick her up. I said, "No worry, we've loved having her. She's a great dog."

My comment opened the door I'd hoped it would open. "Do you want to keep her?"

"Yes!"

Afte five days, I wondered if her "people" were really concerned. The woman seemed super nice and cared for Lola, but not overly attached.

I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.

So, Lola is now our dog.

Smile. I'm very happy.

Debt of Love

The other day while reading through verses for prayer, I came across this one. "Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law."

One translation refers to the "debt of love."

We are indebted for so many material things in this life - cars, houses, "toys," maxed out credit cards - but rarely are we in debt for love.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I know what it means or how to do it. I did some study and searching.

Here's a definition I like. (Rachel's translation)

"Free yourself from all obligations and debts except loving each other. If you have a debt or bill, pay it. If you owe someone money or service, pay and be done with it. Move on. But love is never paid. It is always due. Love should be given daily, never out of obligation, but out of a servant's heart. If you loved yesterday, love more today."

This verse hit me hard and became the final straw to draw me to the down town ministry. I'm not sure I love daily outside of Tony, family and friends, but that's easy love. I want to daily dole out love to the unlovely, the smelly, the poor, people not like me.

I read a great quote about being preoccupied by loving God and being loved by Him! I'm so preoccupied by so many other things, but at the end of this AGE, only one thing will matter. Jesus.

Look at these One Thing verses.

Psalm 27 - "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek. To dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, gaze on His beauty and seek Him in his temple."

Mark 10:21 - "Looking at him, Jesus felt love for him. 'One thing you lack. Go and sell all your posses and give to the poor. You'll have treasure in heaven; and come follow me."

Wow. Jesus is telling him, "Love!" It's a picture of the life to come. He doesn't want this young rich man to suffer for suffering sake. Nor does He not want him to have pleasure. Jesus is saying, "The pleasures in heaven are a bazillion times better than what you have on earth."

I'm telling you, little ole praying Grandma's are going to make he Bill Gates's of the world look poor.

This is my favorite "one thing" verse.

Luke 10:41, 42 - "Rachel, Rachel (oops, I mean Martha, Martha) you're worried and bothered about so many things, but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good part, sitting at My feet, and this exchange between us, this intimacy cannot be taken away from her."

I've been a Martha the past few days. Worried. Bothered. Fretting. Anxious. I publicly repent. I am called to be a Mary. I want to be a Mary. We should ALL strive to be Marys.

Jesus never lies. He is telling us "one thing!" is necessary! Love and sit at my feet. Okay, so that's two things, but it's one concept. The rest of our life flows out of this debt of love.

I heard the story of a man I know and respect being caught up into heaven. Standing before the great white throne, Jesus asked him, "Did you learn to love?"

Good thing the man wasn't dead. After that encounter, he was able to adjust his life's priorities. Now I am able to adjust mine, too.

The tongue and the word

Last night, I joined Tony and his crew for the down town ministry. Until now, I've only been going up to the coffee shop at 9:00 for the Dream Team.

I didn't want to participate in the down town ministry. No particular reason other than. . . I didn't want to be bothered.

One day as I prayed, I realized God was not limiting me, I limited myself. I cannot grow in love without extending beyond my comfort zone.

The down town ministry was birthed out of Tony's self-extension, realizing he needed to get out of the four walls of the church. For over a year, he met with a team down at the beach to witness of Christ, cold, to passers-by.

Then, God put on his heart to go door-to-door in one of the worst neighborhoods - an old apartment complex - and ask people if he and our friend Ted could pray for them.

Two years later, a team of people meet in down town house churches and prayer walk the area.

Subtly, God spoke to me about going. You know, one of those ways where I could've said no as easily as saying yes.

I decided to say yes. So, last night, sitting in a hot apartment with interesting smells, I studied the book of James with men and women who were down but not out.

I instantly loved them, felt their pain, and wondered at what point they made the decision that brought them to the life they now led - out of work, fighting drugs or alcohol, apart from their families.

And I learned from James. For over a decade now, I've been on a word diet, watching what I say and how. God seriously impressed on me the power of my words and how I cannot tear down those He wants to build up.

So, look at what James writes in chapter three.

"Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Look at the ships also, though they are great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. So also the tongue is a small part of the body and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire."

A horse is our individual destinies we set with our tongue - good or evil. A ship represents the destiny of many. Our tongue can hurt others as much as hurting ourselves.

Sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can destroy us and those around us - friends, family, co-workers.

So, with my new friends, I was reminded of the power of my speech and to guard my tongue. Speak life and hope, not death and despair.

I remember when I first signed with Thomas Nelson. I was so excited. Then hit with panic. "I can't write for them," I said. "I'm not good enough."

The Lord gently tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, keep prophesying that to yourself and don't be surprised when bad happens."

Oops. I repented and began to declare good things. I was the "little writer that could" and I said it over and over.

Besides, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Don't agree with the negative feelings and circumstances. While they may be real and need confrontation, don't agree with every bad or negative thought and feeling. It will get you nowhere!

Figure out what God says about you and declare it over yourself.

Okay, more later on Sweet Caroline behind the scenes. I know I promised to write it and never did!

Peace, peace!

End of the Year

It's Sunday after. The late December day is warm, sunny and breezy under a blue sky. The year is ending. Feels like another day in a standard week, but the calendar turns.

I make no resolutions except to be purposeful in knowing Jesus more, and learning to love. If He increases in me, I decrease and the world becomes a better place.

A man I know died and went to heaven. He encountered the King of Kings who asked, "On earth, did you learn to love?"

What an amazing question. He loved. We are to be like Him. Love is a choice. Simple and straightforward. Choose love. It's patient, kind, forgiving, bears offense and keeps no record of wrong. It uplifts and upholds. Love believes and hopes.

Have you forgiven an offense? Then you've loved.

God is love. (1 John 4) Not God is like love, He IS love, the very definition. How can we do or be less? The rock group Foreigner sang, "I wanna know what love is."

Seek Him.

Love does not mean we allow ourselves to be bullied or walked on. Love is not an ethereal concept that evades our grasp. Love is not unsanctified mercy. We show mercy when we should speak truth and call it love. No.

But always, grace, grace.

While my resolve is simple, yet difficult, I have goals. To write with grace and beauty. Frankly, the only way I know is to sit at His feet.

Be faithful to prayer and fasting.

I want to be found in His presence, to stand in His council. My good friend Susie pointed out this verse, Psalm 25:14.

The secret of the LORD is for those who fear Him,
And He will make them know His covenant.
My eyes are continually toward the LORD

Goodbye 2007. You brought me good times and bad. Disappointment that stirred both anger and jealousy in my soul. But, in this I gained hope, grace, faith, the abililty to be abandoned.

I am a blank slate. Jesus, paint on my heart whatever You will. If this life is an intership for eternity, then so goes my reward.

Grace, grace.

God Is Love

We get confused today. We think God is angry, mean, mad, sad, tyrannical, evil, cruel, distant and cold.

If we didn't, we'd beg Him to be a part of our lives, our society. Yet, John, one of his closest friends and disciples, wrote:

"The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

People believe the sketchy truth behind the DaVinci Code, or the ramblings of guys like Christopher Hitchens who writes "God Is Not Great" in his May '07 release.

I suppose Hitchens has hung out with the Almighty and knows this for sure?

John did hang out with Jesus, God the Son, and I'm going to go with His findings over Hitchens.

We are so limited by our weak knowledge of God. So limited at times by doctrine and theology. I want to NOT be limited.

Romans 5:5 Paul writes, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

God the Holy Spirit lives in us! He's given to us by God the Father. In doing so, He poured out His love in our hearts! How incredible when you think of it.

Therefore, the love of God literally dwells within us. My shortcomings in the arena of love are now vastly exposed, and without excuse.

Love is patient, kind, gentle, understanding, keeps no record of wrong, bears and believes all things. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Nor rude, and is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Never fails! (1 Corinthians 13)

This is the God of the universe. He's not mean, hateful, mad, sad, tryannical, et al. He is love.

How do we access this love? Blow ourselves up with suicide bombs? No. Pennance? No. Beat ourselves figuratively and literally? No. Wear certain clothes? No. Avoid movies, cards, makeup and hair cutting? No.

Avoid certain foods? No. Live our own level of humanity and morality? No. Not murder? No.

While those thinigs can be good, minus suicide and self inflicted wounds, there is only one way to truly access the Love of God.

His Son Jesus. Simple. Just believe in Him. "He is the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father by through Him."

And how did He demonstrate His love? The Cross. We are the mean, mad, sad, evil, tryannical, cruel ones.

He is not.

God is love. Are you hungry for love. Seek God.